i just want to feel happy and purposeful, not lost.

ain’t my blog an inspiring thing? which led to hakuna matata in my mind.

hmm. maybe my neural network knows something i don’t.

How about an identity crisis? Haven’t had one of those in awhile and I feel like writing about it.

Lately, I’ve felt like I was just going through the motions of every day life, passing through each moment without plans for the future nor reflections on the past besides perhaps a little bit of regret. I knew I wanted to get out and try new things; that I wanted to meet more people.

So I decided to try joining a sorority. The rush process wasn’t that bad to go through but now I realize truly how inadequate a system it is. Let’s have you talk to 30 strangers in the span of 3 days and then you decide which strangers you liked best and they’re automatically going to be your best friends for the next four years, no, the REST OF YOUR LIFE omgsh!!!

I’ve realized that I’m decent at carrying on casual conversations and have no trouble talking about myself and my interests. But something I’ve realized is kind of a personality flaw is that I’m not really good at judging other people based on what they say; I never analyze it for anything besides face value, just trust that they’re being honest and have no underlying motivations. I’m also not very good at initiating conversations in situations where there are lots of people to talk - whether its a discussion or a party with strangers. My dad says I get it from him. But is it possible to be both a good schmoozer and someone who likes to keep to themselves?

I miss the ease of relationships in k-12 where you almost automatically became friends with people in whatever activity you joined. Groups are too big here. You really have to go out of your way to identify people that you want to spend more time with and if you think you find someone like that, you’ve got to work up the nerve to ask for their number because there’s such a stigma about that - but I’m talking even just girls or guys you want to be friends with. What’s the best way to go about starting new friendships with people you know barely anything about? My biggest fear - that I would’ve been happier in a different sorority because there’s not really any going back now. Hopefully my wish will come true.

I’m concerned that I will be an outcast in my pledge class. That I’ll end up only being friends with older members, not people my own age. There are already like two or three pairs of friends, maybe more out of our 11 and they seemed like the normal ones. I feel like I’ll end up the slightly sadder face on the body of the awkwardly posed body on the edge of the group in photographs. But perhaps I’m judging way too early. 

“I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” 

― F. Scott Fitzgerald, The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

I really want to live by that. Its similar to trying to live life without regret but its different. I just want to be proud and happy with what I’ve done, even if there are a few regrets that I had along the way to finding what makes me proud to be who I am. I am proud to be intelligent and hard-working academically - I will never cease to be that and I would prefer to surround myself with people who are similarly minded. Or at least not let people who aren’t affect these sentiments. I don’t want to do things just because people tell me I need to do them to attain some socially determined goal. I want to be known as a kind, happy, good person. I want to be proud of how I spend my time, the causes I care about and how I treat my body.

Video by India Arie came on my Pandora. Definitely a confidence-inspiring song.

Now I’m tired. I need to make something really coherent about my sentiments. I’m really not very good at that either. But apparently I’m accomplished even if I’m unhappy with my own level of ambition. I just want to be a girl; I want to be loved and I want to love someone. First I’ve got to love myself before helping others to love themselves.

Love. Happiness. Courage to be outgoing and to keep going.

Peace. :). Time for much needed sleep.